A Very Bleached New Years'
by PatsFan1
Summary: The second edition of my "Very Bleached Holiday" series. A little shorter than my previous works, but I'm still satisfied with it. Enjoy and happy new year for everyone experiencing it over the next couple of days!


A Very Bleached New Years'

Ichigo Kurosaki walked down the stairs of his house. "Alright, what're you two little heathens up to today?" he asked. His younger sisters, Karin and Yuzu, were sitting on opposite sides of the couch. Karin was watching TV. Yuzu was on a laptop, with a glazed look on her face. "Hey, what's up with her?" asked Ichigo. He looked at the laptop's screen. It read 'Yandere Simulator'. "She's been like that all day. She says she wouldn't stop until senpai noticed her." said Karin. Ichigo motioned his hand towards Yuzu. "Hey, don't you think you need a-" Suddenly Yuzu turned around, growled, and bit down on Ichigo's arm before ripping it off.

"Yow!" yelled Ichigo. "Uh...shouldn't you get that looked at?" asked Karin. "Nah, it's fine. I'm used to it. 'Sides, Orihime's gonna be here any minute." Right on cue, Orihime barged in through the door. "Hi, Kurosaki-kun~! Oh, your arm!" said Orihime. "Yeah, business as usual. I'd stay away from Yuzu for the moment. Think you can give me a hand here-or rather the whole arm?" "Okey dokey~! Knew something was up when my 'Kurosaki-kun has been mildly inconvenienced' senses were tingling!" said Orihime. "'Mildly inconvenienced'?" responded Karin, confused.

Orihime quickly restored Ichigo's arm. "Thanks. By the way, didn't you say Chad and Uryu were coming too?" said Ichigo. "Oh, Sado-kun and Ishida-kun said they were going to that new clothing store first." replied Orihime. "New clothing store...?" asked Ichigo. "Yeah, opened up downtown a few months back. Say that their clothes make you feel like a whole new person." said Karin. "I have the flyer right here." Karin held up the flyer. Most prevalent on the flyer was a girl in a pink dress with blonde pigtails. "Hunh. Somethin' about this girl seems...familiar. Can't put my finger on it..." said Ichigo. "Ah well. Probably just imagining it."

"So, where you headed to with your harem?" asked Karin. "The intersection of 'Nunya' and 'Damn Business'." replied Ichigo. "We're headed to the north side of town to set off some fireworks~!" said Orihime. "Dammit Orihime, you made me waste my witty humor!" said Ichigo. "Oopsies~! Ah well, all we have to do now is wait for-"

Suddenly the door was busted down with great force. Everyone inside looked shocked (save for Yuzu, who was still entranced by the computer screen) as "Pomp and Circumstance" began to play. Chad stood within the hole where the door once was. "Chad-O is here, OOOH YEAH!" he said in a deep and raspy voice. "Oh dear God, no." thought Karin. "I'm the power among power, too sweet to be sour, crazy like a monkey, sky's the limit and space is the place, oh yeah!" said Chad emphatically. "What the hell does that even mean...?" thought Ichigo. Uryu came walking in. His glasses now had a spiral pattern on them. "Pay none of the attention to the slab of muscles. He has been busy sipping milk from a cow who is stupid." he said. "Oh, GOD, no." thought Ichigo.

"Uh, Sado-kun...are you feeling OK?" asked Orihime. "Am I OK?! No, I can't say I am, no, because I feel fantastic, yeah, right as rain and cute as a baby's dimples!" "Uh...OK." said Orihime. "And what about you, Ishida-kun? What's your deal?" "Deal? I have no deal. Ishida is deal-less."

"Oh, I can already tell how smoothly this is gonna go. Right, I think Renji and Rukia said they were gonna meet us there." said Ichigo. "Alright, let's beat it. And Karin, make sure she doesn't kill anyone. There's no more room in the basement." "Um, what's that supposed to-" began Orihime before being pushed out the door by Ichigo. As soon as they left, the door to the basement opened. Isshin Kurosaki stood there holding a sharp tool and had red markings all over him. "Is he gone?" he asked. "Eeyup." replied Karin. "Good." He held up a small bird house. "He laughs at me every time he sees me with one of these. Stupid boy needs to open his mind a little!" "DAMMIT, SENPAI, NOTICE ME!" yelled Yuzu suddenly.

As Ichigo and his clan of giggles began walking towards their destination, they failed to notice the prying eye of an individual watching them from a nearby rooftop. "That's it, you unsuspecting plebians. Keep walking. You're playing right into my hands." "Sigh...is this really what His Majesty pays you to do, Lille? Spying on teenagers looking for typical New Years' fun?" "Silence, Gremmy. After the Christmas debacle, I'm in need of some redemption." "Uh-huh. Sure. So you go from trying to destroy Christmas to trying to destroy New Years'. Except you're only doing it to Kurosaki and his friends." "Exactly." "You don't see any problems with this plan? At all?" "Just be silent and stick to eating your vile holiday cookies, Gremmy. I'll be the one to do God's work." "I don't get it. I know people that hate Christmas for a varying degree of reasons-that I can understand. But how the hell can you hate something as superfluous as New Years'?" "Simple-I hate every holiday. Every Godforsaken festivity this world celebrates only serve to fuel my animosity. And I have legitimate reasons for every singular one." "Oh I'm sure you do. Howzabout we just stick with this one for now?" "No. You have no idea what sort of hell this day has given me. And I'm not about to share it." "Ugggh...if that's how it's gonna be..."

Later, Ichigo and company met up with Rukia and Renji, and the group moved on to Kisuke Urahara's store. "Yo, Urahara-san!", yelled Ichigo. Urahara rose up from behind the counter. "Well, hello, Kurosaki-san and friends~! What brings you to my humble abode?" "Uh...what were you doing under there?" "Hm? Oh, I was erm...I was feeding the cat." "Cat?" asked Rukia, "When did you get a cat? Unless you mean...Yoruichi-sama?" "What? Oh, don't be preposterous, that would be highly inappropriate~." A female voice piped up from beneath the counter. "Doesn't really stop you, does it?" Urahara made a kicking motion. "Ow!" responded the voice.

"Er, anyway..." began Ichigo, "We were looking for-" Suddenly Urahara was pulled underneath the counter as violent noises could be heard. Yoruichi rose up with an annoyed expression on her face. "Somebody doesn't know simple manners. Anyways, what were you wanting, Ichigo?" "Ummmm...we just needed some of Soul Society's best fireworks. My dad sold all of his to fund his birdhouse project." Everyone stood in silence. "Wow. That didn't sound nearly as gay in my head."

A few minutes later Yoruichi came back with fireworks. "By the way, Ichigo, what's up with those two?" "Oh, Chad and Uryu? Yeah, I wouldn't ask." "Ain't nothin' wrong with ol' Chad-O, kitten." began Chad, "only thing being that I can't sing and I can't dance but I can sure as sugar romance, if you catch my cold." "Uh-huh." said Yoruichi, "Are you high?" "Only thing I'm high on is the spice of life, kitten. I'm just unpredictable, yeah, like any minute I could just up and start choking ol' Four-Eyes!" Chad put his hands around Uryu's neck. "I have confusion?!" said Uryu. "Or maybe I won't." said Chad as he moved his hands away. "Or maybe I will!" he said as he placed his hands back around Uryu's neck. "Oh, just knock it off, Chad!" yelled Ichigo. "Or maybe I won't." Chad said as he moved his hands away again. "See? Unpredictable! Nobody knows what I'm gonna do next, no, not even me!" Uryu drew his bow and fired it, narrowly missing Chad. "Muscle-bound ignoramus! Now I have fury!" yelled Uryu. "Hey, is that your bow-thingy?" asked Chad. "Hm?" uttered Uryu. Chad swiftly grabbed the bow and whacked Uryu across the head with it, knocking him out. "F*ck your bow-thingy!"

"Was knocking him out really necessary?" asked Rukia. "Long as one of them stops making noises with their mouth, I'm OK with it." responded Renji. "Should we, um, maybe do something?" asked Orihime. "Let's not and say we did. A good, long nap might snap him out of...whatever this is." answered Ichigo. "I'm not cleaning up if he relieves himself." said Yoruichi.

Shortly after, Ichigo's group left. Yoruichi looked over Uryu and Urahara, and pulled out a whip. "Now to give these ingrates a proper lesson in manners." she said with a menacing smirk.

Ichigo's group arrived at their destination and began setting up the fireworks. Nearby, Lille and Gremmy stood on a rooftop, watching them. "There they are...oh, phooey, I'm out of cookies. Well this day just got worse." said Gremmy. "Can't you just imagine yourself new cookies? And really, YOUR day is bad?" "First of all, yes I can." A new bag of cookies appeared in Gremmy's hand. "Secondly, you don't own the moratorium on bad holidays, Lille." "My day was not merely bad, you just don't get it." "So enlighten me! What in Yhwach's name was so bad that you can't talk about it, yet somehow can't _stop_ talking about it?" "...Fine. I'll tell you."

"It was New Years', seven years ago. I was in my room, on one of the top floors of the palace, overseeing the city. I had just gotten out of the shower. I was busy preparing dinner for myself-I trust nobody to make my food for me-when I notice a noise from outside. I look out the window and see Bambietta setting up some bottle rockets. I then noticed her placing some of her Reishi spheres inside the rockets. She was barely past the age of ten, she didn't realize how catastrophic this was. So she begins to light up the rockets and-" Lille was interrupted by a voice calling to the Quincies. "Hey, what are you two jokers doing up there?" yelled Renji. "Aw hell, we've been marked. Alright, I'll try to talk this out, just hang onto your thoughts..." said Gremmy. "No, wait-" said Lille before Gremmy left.

Gremmy reappeared in front of Ichigo's group. "Holy smokes, it's an Oompa Loompa!" said Chad. "OK, folks, party's over. I'm here to wreck New Years'." said Gremmy. "Wreck New Years'?! But why?" demanded Renji. "Look, I don't like doing this, really I don't. I'd honestly rather be doing a million other things right now but my boss forced me to babysit the doofus I'm here with. Speaking of which..." Gremmy turned on his earpiece. "Hey, Lille, that's your cue to-" " _So anyway, Bambietta lit up the rockets and, predictably, their trajectory was more all-over-the-place than 'Jupiter Ascending'. Suddenly one of the rockets flew into my wall and blew it up-_ " Gremmy cut off the transmission. "Er, perhaps we could hold off on my partner for a sec." "I'm sorry, Mr. Quincy, but exactly why are you trying to destroy New Years'? And how is messing with us going to destroy the actual holiday?" asked Orihime. Gremmy put his hands to his face. "Oh my God, this one gets it. THANK YOU, that's what I've been saying to my braindead partner all day. Here, I'll put this thing on speaker so you can hear him and tell it like it is. Hey Lille-" " _So then I tumbled through the hole and landed on my bottom and I was still in my underwear! Then that buffoon Mask pointed at me and said 'Look here, it's The XXX-Axis!' And then the townspeople all circled around me and started laughing at me and THAT'S WHEN I WET MY PANTS! I wet my pants!_ _I wet my pants..._ "

Everyone stood in complete silence as Lille's whimpering gradually faded. "Erm...could you all excuse me for one moment?" said Gremmy as he rapidly turned away. "Dude, you need to pull yourself together, you're an Elite for crying out loud!" he said. " _Ugh, I knew I shouldn't have said anything-_ " "And for real? 'The townspeople'?" " _I lived in the palace, they lived in the town, they WERE the townspeople_." "Oh for...you are just impossible-" Gremmy looked around and saw Chad standing near the fireworks with several matches. "Chad, what're you doing?!" yelled Ichigo. "You can't set those off yet, we still need to adjust the-" "Don't tell me what I can and can't do, brother, I'm more anxious than a cat in heat, oh yeah!" "Stop...you're insane!" said Rukia. "Maybe I'm insane, maybe I am! Howzabout we see just HOW INSANE I AM!" Chad quickly lit the matches and then lit the numerous bottle rockets. The rockets flew off in various directions, one of them right at...

"No, NO, not again-!" exclaimed Lille as a rocket exploded right in his face. The others observed the fireworks going off, before a heavily singed Lille landed next to Gremmy. "...Look, I'm sorry about this whole mess. Here, let me fix this..." said Gremmy, as new fireworks appeared out of nowhere. "You'll probably be needing to go somewhere else before the cops come snooping around. Again, sorry for the trouble." "Eh, don't worry about it." said Ichigo. "Hey, ya wanna come with? We're kinda down our token Quincy." "Hmmm...will there be debauchery involved?" "Well most of us are underage, so..." "So that's a no then? Whatever, I'm game. Now what to do with this fried fool..." "Oh I have somebody that can take care of him..."

A short while after the group left, a barely conscious Lille looked up and saw a figure standing before him. Yuzu stood before Lille, with a glazed look in her eyes, and was holding a bottle rocket. "Senpaaaaaai...I brought you an offering, Senpaaaaaai..."

And so Karakura rang in the new year with a barrage of cheers, fireworks...and a singular scream of "NOOOOOOOO!"


End file.
